"I GET PUSSY" by Mort Cuts

I GET PUSSY

A short story by Mort Cuts written for Rat Dads

Mort fired up the engine of his '78 AMC Gremlin, looked at his daughters friends swimming in the pool he bought with his lottery money and said "today is going to be a good day Mort." It was true.

He was eating a burrito filled with his favorite things as he sped down the road. Pretty girls looked at him from their cars and they winked and he winked back. Mort got a phone call from his cell phone. It was they mayor!

"Mort, City Hall is under attack. Terrorists have taken it over! We need your help, Mort, we respect you!" Said the mayor.

"I'll be there soon Mayor, I have to finish my burrito first Mayor."

"Of course, we wouldn't want to bother you when you are eating like your daughter. Also, Mort, the terrorists have taken your wife kidnapped!"

"Tell 'em they can keep her!" Mort said, smiling wryly, and the Mayor laughed because Mort's wife was such a bitch! He knew Mort wasn't joking even though most people thought he was.

Mort slammed the pedal to the pavement, in a rude way, it was boss and he listened to Aerosmith song "Love in an Elevator". He wanted to try that sometime. He parked in front of city hall and saw that things were obviously a miss here. He pulled a gun out of his trunk, a black gun that fits in his hand. A handgun. He also strapped a shotgun to his back.

"They all *cocks shotgun* gotta die!"

Mort kicked the door open and immediately took cover, he shot over his head without looking from behind a marble block in the hall's lobby. He hit a couple of terrorists and then they yelled something in Arabic because thats where they were from Mort thinks. He darts to a column and punches one in the face and he falls to the floor like a house of cards.

"I am the Ace of Spades!" Mort says, after he thought of the cards.

Mort has expert aim and hit all of the terrorists right between the eyes, and their brains exploded everywhere. He was painting the walls with brains. He shot one man in the stomach and the man screamed, and his guts fell out. He sat down and tried to stuff them back in but he was too slow and died. Then he heard a man yell.

"Mort!" It was the leader terrorist, "you want to settle this...... like men!"

"Heh," Mort said as he wiped his enemies blood off of him, "I thought you would never ask! I am a man alright, was starting fullback at Trimble High! I once scored a touchdown!"

"I saw that, it was amazing, you knocked a guy over hard and ran thirty yards. It was amazing."

"LET'S FIGHT!!!"

"OKAY!!!!"

They fought and the terrorist used karate. Mort knew that only nerds learn Karate so he started street fighting. He dodged a kick and grabbed the terrorists throat. He choke slammed him into the ground. The terrorist kicked him off, didn't hurt Mort though. Mort ran and jumped and punched into the terrorist and his teeth flew everywhere.

"Choke on this!" Mort yelled, and he punched him in the mouth and reached down his toothless throat, and ripped all of his guts on the ground. He held his heart in his hand. (Authors note: like his actual heart not a metaphor for love).

"Good job Mort, I'm the Mayor. You saved us! Anything you want to tell the cameras?"

"Yes. Everyone at home, I may be great but some men aren't great because there familys hold them down. Some guys if there familys wouldnt exist would be trying out for the NFL or at least have played in college. Some guys have to work bad jobs for there family. Some guys could have owned a business if there familys wouldnt be in the way."

The crowd all muttered, "He is right, men like that should be respected and not laughed at, even if they ask there daughters friends if they want to practice french kissing with him earnestly."

"Great job Mort. Here is your wife back!"

"Damnit!!!!!"

I HAVE HARNESSED THE POWER OF A CARNIVAL

An expose by guest writer, and Rat Dad, Burger "Ted" Johnstonn

GUESS WHAT??????




















It was me who won the fuckin' eating contest at the carnivol!! Frank bet me 10 dollars I couldn't and I fuckin did!!!! This is where my ad.venture begins

i wake up and my wife is saying todays a carnival, im like okay, its a carnival today, but you dont have to be such a fuckin bitch about it!!! she says she aint being a bitch and that im being a bitch. you know what kind of wives say stuff like that??? BITCH WIVES

so my wife (her name is chandelier) tells me to load up the pickup truck full of my shit eatin kids and take them to the carnival, but HSE KNOWS I WANTED TO GO BY MY SLEF! i hate it when wives think they can do what ever, me and ray romano are two of a kinds, except everyon loves him and when it comes to me people KNOW TO BACK THE FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!

all my kids are in my truck and all of my kids smell like shit. we get there and i tell em to buzz off. i start lookin in th e back of trucks in the parking lot for coolers i can steal beer out of. i found one, cracked it open, popped open a beer an said "today is gonna be a good day" and it was. first things first, first of all, i wandered around drinking beers outta my pockets and playing games with mny hard earned cash. i love it, i ate food 2. guess what i see???? AN EATING CONTEST

it was some kind of vegtable i never seen before (it was green on the outside, with red slush on the inside and a bunch of big fuckin' seeds, probly from france or some shit). guess what?? i ate it all and it tasted like shit so i ate it fast! I got a trofhy too, jellous?
















I GOT SO SLEEPY CAUSE MY BELLY WAS FULL i went to a palm readers after that but she said she couldn't give me a reading because my hands were covered in too much mud. i got my money back because i am a smart consumer.

when i left the tent, i feel asleep. i feel asleep right there on the ground, infront of the tent. my kids tried to wake me up but i wouldnt have it, so they rolled me under the tent because it started to rain. what if i liked the rain? STUPID BUTTFUCKERS

i woke up, the sun is shining, i am wet with dew and the carnival is GONE. i felt unimportant because i was the carnivol champion and now it is gone??? but wait! i stood up, and i felt the power in my legs and arms! I decided then that i had Harnessed the power of the carnivol

I AM AS STRONG AS 200 MEN" I SHOUTED, and the birds that heard me flew away! "GOOD THINKIN BIRDS" I YELLED, because i woulda crushed them if they didnt. i went home to find the rent-a-center guys takin away my big screen. "STOP" i yelled, and there hats flew off ther heads!!! I PUNCHED THEM APART! they got in their truck and called the cops. as i am typing this i am wearing a cops hat because i fought them too when they got to my house. they didnt understand that i had the power of the carnival.

i am as fast as the Swingin' Ship. I am as tenacious as the bumper cars. I am as noble as the ferris wheel. i bend reality as if i am a house of mirrors. i am as mean as a tilt a whirl. i believe there was a profecy that the man who wins the carnival eating contest becomes its champion, like ulysses was at the gates of rome. THE PORLBEM IS, CARNIVALS TRAVEL!!! i am used to the power now, a roller coaster is my bicep. i have decided to hitch up my house and follow the carnival all over, winning every eating contest, to keep this newfound power. they will call me carnivol man...............................

more updates coming from me, Burger "Ted" Johnstonn, that is if my fingers dont become so strong i brake the keyboard..............